Below is the beginning posts of my academic adventure in fall of 2008. To see the development of the pilgrimage I embarked upon, go the the bottom of the blog for that is the beginning. A second trip was taken during the contract, however I was not able to record that in the blog.
27 September 2008 Saturday
I’ve been home a couple of days now but with the idea that I am still on pilgrimage. I have another appointment to interview Cynthia Bourgeault October 30 in Vancouver BC. I still have other contacts to make for that journey as well and as they firm up, that trip will take shape.
A journey like this does awaken something in you that brings back the sense of intimacy within your own life. It’s work to be on the road trying to catch trains, ferries, and buses, connect with people, and still have time to be private. Pilgrimage thrusts me out beyond my insular rut so I bump up against other human beings, but also get a close up view of plants, animals and the homes I walk by. I love walking just at dusk when people are getting dinner ready and the lights are blazing. Rebecca and I went on a walk one evening and ran into four little deer, two that were very young. They weren’t afraid, but kept just ahead of us like leggy school girls giggling, then ran off down the side of a house. Seeing all of this makes me feel more connected to this world than I have felt in a while. I ride a folding bike to work and that allows me to be closer to the natural world than being in a car listening to the world tumble down on the news, but the work-a-day world is so numbing.
MILIEU
I’m a very private person and have a big interior garden to tend. It seems in recent years, especially since I became aware of my emptiness, my world inside is much larger. Sometimes I wonder where my real milieu is – inside or outside myself. I’ve always had a bigger sense of milieu. I remember moving to Nashville in the 1970’s and trying to get a loan for a car. The banker asked me why I was in Nashville if I grew up in the west. This took me be surprise. I had always fancied myself a citizen of the whole United States. I didn’t get the loan and that bit of fate turned out for the best. But what about that prescriptive idea of where we belong or what home really means?
The dynamics of milieu got very clear to me a couple of years ago when I was trying to tell a friend about the reasons I never married…one is that I believe the reason there is so much divorce is because there is too much marriage. That is no doubt loaded for several readers, but it is not my issue here.
It was around 2006, I felt I isolated a single idea that had pervaded all my life and I don’t recall where it began, but it was there a very long time; perhaps this thought has been with me since early adulthood. It connects, if it’s not the core, of how I kept reaching for a larger milieu. This awareness of milieu began in the early to mid 1990s. It is something of a nightmare that goes like this:
I hold a magical belief that there is only one person in this world who is my soul mate. This is powerful because I feel this person is the single resource necessary to help me complete my life’s mission. If I confine myself to one small environment, how will I ever meet this magic person? This person seems important and couldn’t just come from the tiny high school I attended when growing up. It implies that I have to scout the surface of the planet. That is a problem.
To see more clearly how milieu works on people, imagine this story. It’s about a lifeboat where two occupants, who were formerly sworn enemies on a recently sunk ocean liner, share seats. The liner represents a hierarchically stratified society where the female is a spoiled diva (goddess) imprisoned by an entourage that lives like parasites with her at the top of the ship’s superstructure in the finest suite the ship has to offer.
The man shovels coal (mortal) in the hold of the ship, whose sweat is the life energy that fuels the luxuries above him, which he will never see, taste or experience. Indeed, he will likely never see the light of day while on voyage. His quarters are below; his recreation takes place below in a world of surly, smelly men with pent up angst and helplessness against a fate that condemns them to become human fuel to power the meaningless entertainments of the upper-deck class of people.
In a chance meeting the diva descends several stories on a dare to slum it with the unseen insects that power her world. At the same time, the slave finds a rare opportunity to rise above the ship’s water line to glimpse his despised captors. Suddenly they meet face to face. It doesn’t take long for both of them to become incensed when each acts in clichéd and predictable manners that confirm the vile stereotypes the other holds. Spontaneously they each break out mutually in their own customary and well instilled threats and demeaning violence that is only postponed by bystanders who don’t wish the incident to escalate. The moment passes but the event tears at the illusive veil that numbs and keeps them in their proper place. They both feel their own miserable confinement in places that suffocate the promise of their youthful dreams.
CATASTROPHIC OPPORTUNITY
In the tragic sinking of the ship the woman somehow escapes into a lifeboat without a single person from her doting entourage. She is helped into the boat by an elegant but tattered elderly man. He gets a free pass from her critical attitude because somehow he has survived the life’s vicissitudes with dignity and charming, well-spoken humor. Eventually the mortal swims up and asks for access to the shelter of the boat. Her reaction is to sarcastically suggest he become fish bait, which will provide his final service to her. Instantly another outbreak of class brutality erupts and is quelled only by the wise old gentlemen who cleverly softens the animosity and allows her to be a hero by admitting the poor drowned rat aboard. An uneasy truce is observed because of the extraordinary circumstances in which they find themselves. Certainly the old man’s presence monitors their behavior as he would be an innocent witness to any truly murderous acts they might commit if left to themselves.
After hours of intense volleys of aggressive insults moderated by the old man’s humor and caution, relief comes in the form of another survivor from the ship. They come aboard, and then another and more. This growing crew silences the two enemies so as not to expose themselves to the judgment of pettiness that is unseemly in outrageous and uncertain misfortunes.
As voices, both internal and external, are added to the dialog a chemical change rapidly occurs in the minds of the two haters and a new attitude creeps upon them. They both feel secretly shamed by the shear human decency shown by others. Add to this the unifying factors of mutual enemies in thirst and hunger. Worst of all are the stinging thoughts that this might be their miserable end after all.
Along with the old man they hold the status of senior crew members. Having held their peace when new people came on-board, they are recognized equally as leaders for their leadership and order in the dire moment. As they take up the task of trying to make sure all meager supplies are distributed caringly and a plan maximizing their few resources can be shared in by all, they see themselves and each other differently and find themselves falling in love.
OBSERVATIONS AND TAKE AWAYS
Interesting how milieu works whether in a catastrophic circumstance or an ordinary classroom, on the job, wherever we establish our milieu. These are the resources to which we confine ourselves. In my analysis of these human dynamics, I find that people form a milieu in support of love and home. For me I kept thinking I had to go outside my milieu to find a better life. That clearly indicates that I was unsatisfied with my menu options. Then there was the feeling that if I was to search the world I had to keep moving. Of course, when I quagmired in fundamentalism I wasn’t moving at all. However, I never felt at home there and even sought counseling for it. The advice was that I might feel better once I was married. Sheesh! I tried and gave it my best to marry someone within the church milieu, but they clearly did not drive my car for me. It could be that getting a close up look at marriage was not really that inspiring to me, hence, my conclusions about too much marriage.
I want to go back to the story I came up with demonstrating milieu. I got a bonus understanding from it. What is striking about the Lifeboat-as-milieu story is the view of the diva as goddess and the man as her mortal slave. He is secretly worshiping her and her world, while acting like he despises her. She basks in his adoration once she conquers him. It comes back to me that this is the myth of feminine/masculine relations that I grew up under.
It is very different from the Cinderella story that seems to rule so many people’s lives. The woman is fragile and helpless; the man is virtuous and gallant. This myth seems to be obvious and suits long term relationships especially in a patriarchal hierarchy. I don’t know if the diva myth is as good for long term relationships. In fact, in matriarchy they don’t seem interested in long term relationships. It is something to ponder and a good bit of deconstruction.
Finally, I think of milieu as a constraint in that people choose one thing over something else. That seems like a constraint. I am more at peace with constraint lately because it acts as a force to drive out something I don’t know about myself. The pilgrimage has constraints and it is mining a deeper to hidden areas in my life and forming new questions.
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