17-18 September 2008 Thursday & Friday
Today I feel a mild let-down. I fulfilled my first assignments and await word of my next referrals. There is nothing in front of me and on one hand, I'm nervous. But on the other, I feel fascinated at what is in the works that I do not know about. I must trust that the next step will arise in a timely fashion. I have never been disappointed especially because I have no expectation. Today I am just tired and quiet inside myself.


I noticed the new follower and hope they will make a comment on what they read. Maybe readers might ask questions to guide what I say. I'm a novice and don't know what makes this interesting to read.


I left my sister Kristie's house in West Seattle on Friday and hitched a ride to Vashon Island to stay at my sister Rebecca's cottage. The ascetics are perfect and I can see that I could get a lot of writing done here because there is no interruption. I get time to myself here and it feels like a good break. But I'm still on the road just now.


I contacted the All Merciful Savior Russian Orthodox Monastery on the island asking if I might interview someone there. This is a break in my constraints for my pilgrimage as I have not been referred. However, I mentioned to my sponsor before leaving that I wanted to hear more about the five spiritual sense the Orthodox believe are developed in the believer as they mature. I know this monastery is in contact with Kallistos Ware, the author of The Orthodox Church and The Orthodox Way. Link: http://orthodoxwiki.org/Kallistos_(Ware)_of_Diokleia 


I was hugely impacted by the second book because it gives such powerful meaning behind the rituals they have preserved for 2000 years.  Metropolitan Ware recently visited this tiny community on Vashon, link: http://www.vashonmonks.com/index.php


The monk answering the phone at the monastery cheerfully consented to me interviewing someone there and said if I attend the Sunday service and partake of the meal, one of the monks would gladly talk with me and there would be no problem with recording and photography. That gives me time to figure out how to get there. It also gives me time to work on two other referrals I got; one in Vancouver BC and the other in Bellingham. It would be fabulous to be able to make both and than head back to Olympia.


Oops! I have to borrow a car to get to the monastery. No way around it. This happened in Europe when I was trying to get to a monastery in Montreal, France. I had to rent a car for that portion of the journey. I have to borrow a sarong and scarf from Rebecca as the Orthodox have a dress code. I had to buy long underwear because I'm freezing in the rain just now.


THINKING BACK TO THE CATALYST FOR THIS JOURNEY
Here's some back story on what things have been prompting this new quest. I need to discover something about the condition I find has overtaken my existence since around 2002. I find I am dead to essential desires such as:

• Who I want to be
• Where I want to go
• What I want to do
• How I want to live

I simply no longer imagine or desire any particular thing that motivates me into my future. There is no interest in pushing forward on a practical agenda to bring about the achievement of temporal goals. When this first happened to me I thought something important in me died and I was waiting for a terrible odor to arise and give away my secret. I thought I had done some harm to myself by meditating and seeking out the hidden arcana from the ancient mind of our ancestors. I wondered if I should stop meditating and actually did for quite awhile. But that did not mean I stopped listening.


In the place of the normal rituals and routines of scheming, contriving to get a desire, planning earnestly my next steps, making a case for something I want, even if it is only to justify it to myself; I found I was empty of any motivation to work hard on those things. I always ask, “Is this- that?” Am I dead or alive? Am I depressed? Or is this some stage I am going through and will return to my old self? What is my course if not through my desires? If there is no motivation, it is like a motor without fuel. How then should I live?


Strangely, I discovered that when I was in a sacred space, moving in a sacred ritual, I was still hearing from the one in whom I have my being. That was never at issue. I still felt passionate about things I valued. None of my basic belief system was negated or diminished by this new consciousness. It was as though my basic being had entered a new stage.


My relationship to time was impacted because my former way of moving through life was to pull myself into the future by things I wanted...desire and will.  I was usually who I was trying to become, some place I wanted to go, what I wanted to accomplish, or more tentatively, what impact I wanted to make. Now with no interest in any of that I had to ask a different question: “If not this- what?” That is my present question. I'm still listening, but with greater calm and distance, perhaps objectivity for the first time.


Not far behind my relationship to time changing; I find my identity being reshaped. So many of my desires where worn like costumes. I looked in the mirror and saw my desires; who I thought I was and where I thought I was going. What I thought I wanted to do and how I wanted others to relate to me. It felt like the stripping down to a simple person-hood. I felt detachment from the labels I would have readily described myself on a resume or grant application before this event. I can recite accomplishments but they feel remote and I might feel hollow doing those things now.


It is a completely new season and I am launching into it with the freshness of an amnesiac. Waking dreams have come to my aid in this vast wasteland devoid of the desire images. When I meditate or pray, they come like narrative and myth, actively posing questions or making simple observations. They powerfully challenge my personal, intellectual and spiritual life. At times they have provided moments of wonder, at others I felt emotional release. I can honestly say that I am addicted to narrative and not just my own.


I like to read. I read a lot of non fiction and have never been drawn to poetry other than ecstatic poetry like that of Blake or Rumi. Lately, I am drawn in to the punchiness of plot. I wander if the author even intends what I may take for their story. Plots consist of polarized collaborations, elastic permanence, or artistic balance. I enjoy reading E.M. Forester, Graham Greene, Evelyn Waugh, Anatoly France and others from the twentieth century and am very focused on plot movement, intended or not.